Exhausted

In the summer of 2008 I visited the city of Assisi in Italy with my girlfriend, a wish that was with me for some time. Right opposite the entrance of the Saint-Francis-basilique in Assisi is a beautiful statue. It symbolizes the return of saint Francis from the war.

I had never seen the statue before, but immediately was struck deeply. I saw the fighter… the exhausted archetypal warrior, the broken ego-identity with its heavy protection, built from fear…

An age-old habit continues stubbornly through obedience: the war for, or against, a thinkable god, and the conviction that life is possible only when all other convictions are wiped out. This stand breaks, and with it also the ego-pride, the alleged doer, or the identification with stand-points.

The statue also symbolizes shame and surrender of the ego, discovering to have been a slave of fear, hypnotized by allegations. Finally shame is recognized as a subtle turning away from God. This evaporates in the realization that consciousness is God and ego doesn't exist. Ego is recognized as the I-thought, a dream-figure in a dream.

Preceding the visit to Assisi was a period that was dominated by the idea that I had to take a stand for something, as proof of my understanding 'it'. 'The fighting' had its root in under-appreciation… still believing in a (damaged) subtle, spiritual ego.

In the battle, the longing for Peace is recognized… in the wanting to stand for a conviction, the fear for not knowing any more, in fear, the yearning for Love. This gets exhausted and surrenders in Grace. Ego-activity softens, opens up… consciousness turns inward and gives itself to God, to Itself, or to the one Self… Being is timelessly naked in itSelf.

For me the statue depicted the end of the ego-illusion. Fear of death stems from clinging to a describable self image… the identification with the appearing form or the (subtle) body.

Behind the exhaustion - of the image - shines the Glory of what is invisible to the ego… the in-exhaustability of the unborn, undying Being, which is realized in the acceptance of desperation. Exhaustion and despair fall away in recognition of truthfulness.

Despair and exhaustion belong to the imaginary self image. This carefully attended image collapses, in the realization of the source, God, Being, Light… with that the universe of despair and exhaustion disappears. Ego tries to postpone this surrender, because it wants to gain honor in the story. The developing of special powers therefore often is a delay of surrender, or fear of death.

In identification with a subtle self-description surrender seems an activity or act; ego-mind believes it has to surrender itself… This breaks open through the influence of Light, or the Being that Is. 'Looking back', this seems an act called surrender. However it is through Inworking - Grace - that the me-illusion drops away and the subtle resistance stops.

This happened a little later, when - in the church, standing right above the crypt of saint Francis - I asked in silence if there was a message for me. Instantly came a spontaneous breaking open… pressure in my head fell away, so did time, sound stopped, there was total Stillness, an awake Light.

The small identity in the head collapsed… in what stayed, as unbounded, proportion-less and indescribable clarity, was no more me. The realization came that saint Francis - by 'just' Being - reminded people of their inner, immortal Nature of Light.

I was again amongst the people in the church, but as this self-Luminous, awake Awareness… Deep sadness broke open and I had to sit down. Some what later, downstairs where the crypt is, I could only say to my girlfriend that everything truly is good, that 'it' is incredibly beautiful…

Now, six years later, while writing these words, I realize that Aware Being is Beauty.