Here and NowNovember 10, 2010
Through music I learned what it means to really be open to the actuality of Now. Later it became clear that unconsciously much energy was invested in denying what wanted to be felt. I was convinced that pain or sadness would keep me from functioning well.
And precisely that was what I needed to accomplish. My motto was to become the best… then they would know who I was. This took almost all fun out of making music. The ego wanted to be a star and get recognition, to compensate the yearning for the inner Light.
It was clear though that listening only happens now, and that ego-cramp disturbs the openness of that natural listening. Listening means to be open to what is, and that frightened the ego… uncertainty could come up.
Also it happened that the ego seemed to fall away, leaving only the actuality of Now. This felt like a breaking open in which a benevolent and sparkling flow completely took over. There is no more an I that has to do something and the Wonder is happening all around.
There is total inter-connectedness without the distracting fear for disapproval or suffocating need to be better than the other. In the complete openness of that everything is everything and each part represents the One. Usually shortly after that the ego came back in the disguise of pride.
Then there was the feeling that I had done it. Yet deep down I knew that this wasn't true. There underappreciation was festering, and on top of that I noticed how strange it felt when after a good concert somebody would complement me for that.
Somewhere there always was a knowing of the oneness of musician and listener. The openness of the listener evokes the creative intelligence coming to expression through the musician. Later on I understood that listener and musician is the one Mystery being there in the role-playing.
Listener and musician are essentially one, which is palpable when the grip of the ego breaks open. Love can play freely and nobody is left out because there is nobody any more. Time drops away and the Timeless comes to expression in the one now.
The concept 'here' gets a different meaning because distance dissolves. Here and there only matter in the ego-domain, where the separated small me anxiously tries to defend and uphold its assumed existence. Ego needs apparent distance to hypnotize the sense of being.
Being open also means keeping open 'the underside of consciousness'. Through that 'what is' can be experienced and felt. Feeling is seen by ego as undesirable, threatening and frightening. Yet it gives a warm and soft sense of safety and makes aware of the undamageability of Life.
This proves to be a valuable phenomenon with which fear of suppressed past can be overcome. The sense of being experiences that it is completely safe to stay open to what presents itself. The habit of believing the allegations of the ego is broken… Consciousness is always whole and open.
The breaking open of ego-control could be called Grace. Sometimes it happens during a concert when everything spontaneously synchronizes, in a meeting when unexpectedly the right words are said, or in a consultation when denial isn't working any more and willingness is there.
Then the Miracle breaks down the carefully constructed walls of identity while It dissolves the fearfully guarded distance of the ego. Being is experienced again as Life-Love-Light that isn't born and doesn't die. One and Many merge in the Mystery.
Here and Now is where listener and musician are one, and receptiveness and inspiration - or female and male - flow together in transparent presence. Everything is everything when the division between everything falls away… Nothingness can be experienced and felt as Presence.
Female and male, or receptiveness and inspiration appear as archetypal concepts. They can be instruments to make consciousness aware of itself - as the sense of being of the Mystery. In the one Heart Earth and Heaven are one. In the one Heart the Song of the Uni-Verse is sung.