Being HomeMay 13, 2011
I always wanted to be the best and found that this was the counterpart of unworthiness. With striving I thought I could trump and avoid underappreciation. This happened from a movement appearing just 'above' the Stillness.
Stillness wasn't noticed: the sense of being there was dominated by the habit of being focused on 'becoming perfect', from the denied conviction of 'being not good enough'. Truly exploring this conviction didn't happen, because it would bring the feeling of unworthiness.
When this fear of being open was recognized as defense of the false I, a deep longing revealed itself. The yearning had always been there… in the denial of it 'I' was driven by it. This played out as 'wanting to be the best' and 'wanting to be seen'. In direct exploration this yearning turned out to be the yearning for God, or actually for the true self.
From the denial of the longing came the striving for perfection. The negative self image was built from conclusions about 'me' in relation to misunderstood circumstances. Tension and confusion in family and world were interpreted as 'I am not worthy of attention'.
Just above the Stillness I saw a belief, fueling this 'movement' of becoming better: 'I' is a being that, as a 'judgable form', is on its way from its origin to its destination. 'I' seemed to search and roam through the universe and, in that 'movement', convinced of being lost.
Exploration into what is aware brought the discovery that Consciousness is always the actuality of Being. Stillness 'behind' consciousness never changes and is always before time. This silent Stillness is the full Emptiness. This is the primal substance in everything that appears.
Lostness finished in the realization that 'I' is not a form travelling through time, but, in the midst of lostness, the primary Being. This recognition made it easy to face the fear that grew around the lostness.
It was fear to be seen as a lost soul. There was a pretended ease to disguise the denial of the fear, and arrogance, to simulate certainty. If something was being said about what was important to me, the underappreciation was activated and defense applied. It seemed necessary to keep the lostness from being noticed by the other, but especially by myself, to prevent me of having to feel how uncertain I was inside (as a person).
Inaccessibility was a way to be able to continue the denial. With pride I could avoid the lostness for quite a long time. Underneath it a separate I-form seemed to search for a destination in the spheres. This form was lost in the universe and turned out to be searching for itself, for coming home again… Looking back inwardly, the identification with the form fell away.
I isn't a form, but a loving activity of Consciousness. This presence of Nothingness is - without proportion - aware of everything. The Mystery of Being is the Emptiness appearing as Universe. 'Being' is without dimensions or qualities. For the grip-searching and time-dependant mind it is very difficult to accept that Stillness behind 'I' isn't born and doesn't die.
In this direct Being there is no where, how and when, while 'I' has to face time and space. From Stillness humanity gets its form effortlessly, from Being that is Home. In Stillness it is seen that striving is the externalized search for God, taking place from unrecognized inner Perfection. This Divinity that looks, discovers Itself in the seeing, where inner and outer are one.